after 3.5 years, i'm still asking myself, wat am i doing in s'pore? hmm.. was feeling kinda miserable after gp lesson today.. gp tutor talked abt foreign scholars using s'pore as a stepping stone.. although she directed this 'claim' towards the china students, i feel that it is unfair for her to make this kinda claim.. and she insisted that it is true.. there was a slight debate btwn my gp tutor and one prc scholar from my class abt this whole topic on foreign scholars.. that gp tutor question the purpose of having scholars since we're only making s'pore as a stepping stone and will leave after we get watever we want.. bla bla bla... sigh.. all these while i thought tt she's somebody who's wise enough to be able to understand the kinda life tt we, as foreign scholars in this kiasu and competitive country, are going through... but i realise tt she's just the same as most of the s'poreans.. they just look at it as foreign scholars using the country's resources, ppl paying taxes to fund the education of these ppl who're taking up spaces of the locals etc etc... who will sympathise us who're currently trapped in this country? being put under enormous stress, receiving allowance tt's enough for nothing? they think tt the govt is being very generous cause they're giving us allowance.. $200 a month to cover all other cost inclusive of food, transport, misc fees, etc... with the supposed high standard of living in s'pore, they expect us to survive with the little amt of money.. they're practically 'paying' us the minimum amt for us to study here.. like wat fongkai always say, we're moe's slaves. being paid to study.. we have to fulfill their requirement, to ace in studies, let s'poreans have a chance to interact with ppl of diff culture, build 'ties' with ppl from other countries bla bla bla... or else, they can send u a letter to terminate your scholarship and just change your life completely... frankly, how many ppl really appreciate the existence of scholars in s'pore? i think i'll agree with that gp tutor with one point, the govt should just stop recruiting scholars... they should stop ruining other ppl's lives.. these china scholars have to potential to do better if they're elsewhere.. although i hate those 'pereks', i salute them for their perserverance, determination as well as diligence.. i've seen how they studied.. yup, u can say that their language use is bad, but, they really started from scratch.. s'poreans took their whole life to learn the english language and u expect a prc to be perfect in english in just 2 yrs? and not all prcs are weak in english.. she haven't seen those prcs in rj.. sigh.. i think it's just a waste bringing in scholars if the whole society doesn't think tt it's beneficial.. they just see it as an insecurity.. and wat am i doing here? wasting my time trying to fit in the ppl here.. it's just so difficult.. there'll still be a barrier btwn s'poreans and foreign scholars.. i've tried to break tt 'barrier' but to me, that 'barrier' would always be there... or maybe it's just me.. i can't interact well with s'proeans.. sigh.. will this be my 'life' for at least another 8 years? stuck in this place? wat happened to my plans? all seem to be gone... wat am i supposed to do? how am i suppose to continue this journey through life? i know my parents want me to stay in s'pore, no matter how i tried to hint to them that i dun wanna stay... whenever i try to tell mum abt uni, she'll always end the whole conversation with, "finish A lvls first only say, dun need to think so much abt uni at this point of time," or "u'll save your dad's wallet if u stay in s'pore, u've been surviving well in s'pore after 4 yrs so why not continue?" it's exactly the same kinda reaction when i told her tt i didn't wanna stay for jc.. and it'll always be like tt.. yup, i know... i'll still be in spore next yr... i can't be so selfish.. i can't just say i wanna go overseas and ask my father to fork out one whole sum of money to finance my education.. my sister still needs to complete her CLP (a 1 yr course after her law degree), my brother just went to uni last year... 4 more years of uni education for him... i can understand why my parents think that i should stay in s'pore cause they think that stress and 'not liking the place' are not valid reasons..